Peace and Quiet

Hi guys! It is so very quiet in my house right now. The only sound is the humming of the washing machine and the distant hollering of Annie (who is in her crib not napping). Daddy is in his crib napping also. So although I should be cleaning the house, I am instead blogging.

I think about blogging everyday. I write them in my head all the time, but never actually sit down and type them out. So today, instead of procrastinating on the blog, I will procrastinate on the cleaning.

It's funny how you get back into everyday life after all the pieces are put back together. I try at least once a day to tell myself that this is it. This is what I wanted. When we're all tired in the evening and sitting down to dinner I think that I have everything I wanted. My husband, a beautiful, healthy child, and a home. Honestly, what more could you ask for in life? Yes, money and cars and fancy houses are nice, but I have things much more precious than that. Wanna hear some more things that I'm grateful for? My friends, Jerid's job (which he still has after all that he's been through) my job (which I actually enjoy), our wonderful supportive families, our teeny tiny house that we're about to bust out of, our dogs and cats, the snow because Jerid can now shovel it again and it reminds us of how strong he is, and so much more. I can tell you that it is MUCH easier to count my blessings when life is good.

So you want an update on Jerid? He's doing wonderful. His breathing continues to improve. The weight is coming back slowly but surely. Even though he eats more than anyone I know. His diabetes is under control. He's getting more muscle tone that he's ever had in his life thanks to all of the physical therapy. And he has a terrific mental state. I saw in his comment from the last post that he said that he complains a lot. NO. He doesn't. I have people all around me who whine and cry and moan over back pain and colds and flus and minor aches and pains. Jerid doesn't even come close. Yes, sometimes he is frustrated with his health issues like coughing and headaches and stomach problems, but trust me when I tell you that his complaining is minimal. I complain WAY more than he does. Jerid is a trooper. He's someone to look at and say "I should live my life the way he does. Focus on the good things and enjoy every minute of life for what it is. Another favorite quote of mine is: Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift.

With that said, I have been thinking a lot lately about something else. Maybe I shouldn't be writing about it here, but what the hell. It's my blog. Everyone who has read this has seen me at my lowest, my most vulnerable. Though sometimes I'm a little embarrassed by how many people who have read this, I figure the readers of this blog have seen the real, true me. Nasty, angry, bitter, happy, jealous, sad. Everything. If you don't like me after reading this blog, then that's that.

So. There is a person in our lives who I feel needs a wake up call. This person should be one of the people closest to us in life. I know without a doubt that they love Jerid and his family very much. But where have you been for the past three years? I know that everyone gets angry at the ones they love. That's life. But come on. Life goes on. You've seen what Jerid has gone through and how could you get up every morning and not want to make amends? What have we done that is really so awful? Once you reach a certain point in your life I think that you need to get over things. Forgive. Forget. What if Jerid had died? After reading this you must know how close he came. Life is still dangerous. Technically he's living on borrowed time. This day is a gift. What if you lost him? If he was gone forever? Could you live with yourself? Both Jerid and I have reached out and taken steps to make amends. I don't know what else we can do. I made a phone call and emailed that left the door wide open for communication. But it wasn't reciprocated. Has it been worth it? To make another failing attempt to be "right" in your silence? These have been missed opportunities and chances to be there for Jerid and grow close to him again. For whatever reasons, you may not like me. Fine. But do you really not like Jerid? And do you really not want to be a part of his family? Meet his daughter? Annie is the most precious thing that has happened to him. We'd love to share her with you. Everyday that goes by, time is lost that you can never get back. Tell me, if something happened to you... something really, really bad. Would you want Jerid to be there for you? Would he be one of the people that you would want to see and hear from? I just don't understand what we have done that is this awful. Yes, minor things, but really now. Is it worth the price? This anger and resentment? I know that you check the blog. I know that you use it as a tool to find out how Jerid is. So I also know that you get ticked off when it's not updated. You should try calling. Other people do it. The first step is always hard. But trust me when I tell you that you don't know what hard is. You need to set aside your pride. Grow up and get over the little petty issues. Pretend you are on your death bed and see how bad these things are. You only get one life.

Do you ever have that one moment of clarity when things don't look so bad? That you miss the people that you're angry with? I do. It happened recently. There was someone that I was so damn mad at and hurt by their actions. It made me sick. This went on for months. But about week ago I was sitting there thinking about him. And I missed him and realized that no matter what I want him to be a part of me and my families lives. I thought that we could get past this. If I tell him what he did and why I'm so angry chances are, he will apologize and change his ways. We can compromise. I bet that I did things to hurt him too. So I jumped up in this moment of clarity and grabbed my cell phone and called. I left a voicemail saying that he needs to come visit. And I love him. When I never got a return call, I started getting angry again. Luckily I had another moment. So I called again. Guess what? He's coming to visit. It's time to move on. If you have a moment, you should pick up the phone and call, if not Jerid, one of the other people that you have been cutting out of your life.

Everyone makes mistakes. You do to. But that's why forgiveness was invented. Ask for it. Reach out your hand and make amends. You don't have to over analyze it. You don't have to take things slow. Just find peace in your heart and do it. If you stand on the edge a cold pool and think about it too much, you'll never jump in. Just run and jump. After the shock is over, it can actually be fun.

So to anyone out there who is busy holding grudges and keeping that bitterness inside, try thinking about it differently. Forgive your mother or father or friend or coworker. Every one's problems are relative. Chances are they are just as afraid as you. Once you love someone, it doesn't go away. I watch my daughter grow. Everyday makes me a little sad because I can never get it back. It's wonderful to watch, but it makes me realize how fast time goes by.

OK. I'm done. Sorry if I bored the innocent bystanders with my soapbox.

We went to Cleveland about a week ago for a bronch. It was a rigid and was pretty rough on Jerid. But he's all better now. He also has some crazy infection that's really hard to get rid of. So he has a PICC line in again and is on antibiotics through it twice a day. He'll have it in for at least 3 months and then will be on an oral antibiotic for about 3 months after that.

I really should get some cleaning done now. Our house is on the market and hopefully someone will want to look at it.

And one more thing: The CF walk is coming up in May. I want to have a REALLY big team this year and raise lots of money for CF. So if you read this blog, get yourself ready. More info will be coming. If your interested in being on our team, email me at marinsmith77@gmail.com. Also, we're trying to think up a name for the team. We thought it would be fun to incorporate our apple theme. Any ideas?

Love to everyone. Call, write, keep in touch.