On My Own

Well, I'm on my own now. Rick, Rose and my little one drove back home today. I will miss them all so much. Especially seeing Annie's smiling face. She really was my saving grace for the last 2 weeks. There's no way that you can be upset when she's around. Just seeing her causes your lips to be incapable of frowning.

But now it's time to get serious. Jerid has got a lot of work to do and without Annie here I can concentrate on that much easier. Though not much has happened in the past 2 days, there's still a lot going on. I feel as though I am constantly fighting here. I fight Jerid. Whether it's to take deep breaths, or eat more, or get up and walk. And I fight nurses and aids over medicines and cleaning things up and getting things in a timely manner.

Do you realize that Jerid didn't eat anything for over 12 hours? Apparently no one ever brought him a dinner tray last night, and his feeding tube wasn't working. The night nurse didn't bother fixing it. Then he didn't get a breakfast tray. When I found this out at around noon, I told the nurse that if I didn't see a lunch tray she was going to have one pissed off woman on her hands. We had a tray in about 20 minutes. And a dinner tray too. But I shouldn't have to beg for Jerid's food. I'm tired of wearing these big girl panties.

Jerid's doing OK though. Still stoned on Dilauded. It's not like he talks nonsense, but he's definitely not himself. It's like he's got severe OCD when he's on it. Fidgeting, fidgeting. With his tubes and wires and cups and tissues. It doesn't stop. And because he can only raise his arms to about chest level, he creates lists of things for me to do if I'm not there. If I am in the room, then I can only sit for about 2 minutes before I get another order.

He's back to making me give him baths. What fun. And PT finally came today and Jerid was able to walk about 50 feet. His legs shook the whole time. Kind of like after sex when your legs do that constant vibration. (Sorry, I know this blog is supposed to be rated PG) But while we're talking about inappropriate subjects, we are so back to a grapefruit. Maybe almost the largest that I've seen yet. So we've got to get him out of bed and walking.

It's so weird that we're back to where we started 4 months ago. It's so much harder this time too. After the transplant, we really didn't know what to expect. Every day was new and we were just so excited that we were on our way. Even when we had bad days and setbacks, we were still positive. It just sucks now. Now we know what we're looking at recovery wise and how hard it will be. I don't think that either of us is looking forward to it. Quite frankly, the grapefruits just aren't as funny this time.

And as far as recovering, it's hard to do when he's still not fixed. And we don't know when he will be. It's all a make it up as you go kind of thing. But if we can stay positive it will be much easier. And knowing that all these doctors just want him to be fixed for good and get him out of here helps.

So, tomorrow should be a slow day. Jerid may get a bronch to clean out mucus and puss from the infection. (That was for you, Jennie!) That's one big reason why he's still in ICU and he still has chest tubes in. If he's in ICU, then they can actually do a simple bronch like this one right in the room. No O.R. booking or anything. Just some Versed and numbing. We'll see how his chest X-Ray looks tomorrow.

I do however plan on getting his ass out of bed and moving. We'll definitely argue over that one. It's not that he's lazy, it's just so hard. So he tends to put it off. And then it's too late. But no more. We're doing it first thing.

That's it for now. I am so very tired. I'm really looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow. Now that Annie's gone, I can sleep as long as I like. So I think that I may go take a dip in the hot tub and then slip into bed with my Zanex. Don't call me until tomorrow afternoon. But speaking of calling, please do. I'll have a lot more time now that every one's gone. I've heard from several people that they don't want to bother me, but please do! You guys are my lifeline. Your comments on this blog and phone calls are the only things that keep me sane. I feel so far away here and out of the loop on everything. I miss everyone so very much. So call, or email, or just comment on the blog. Let me know you haven't forgotten me! (Pitiful, aren't I?) And if you call, and I don't answer, I'll call back. Promise. Unless I don't really like you. Ha!

Love to all. Thanks for the prayers, chants cards, and beautiful comments on the blog.